Fall Fun

It's been weeks since I blogged as we tried to process through all that had happened but Elisabeth Elliott's admonition to just "do the next thing" really was helpful in making myself move painfully through my new reality of a calendar with dates crossed off and the loss of what we thought God was doing in our lives through embryo adoption.

Through these last six weeks I've purposefully looked for ways to bless my family and to have fun with them.  God blessed us with a trip to Branson, MO as a family to see Sight and Sound's production of Joseph.

We found a bunch of fall fun activities to do and I learned more about cooking with whole foods at www.100daysofrealfood.com.  We made trees out of paper bags and little pretend acorns while studying the Revolutionary War time period.

I've started doing a Bible study with some other homeschooling mamas at www.goodmorninggirls.org in Colossians which has been wonderful for accountability and growth and am reading through Helping Others Change by Paul Tripp for our Sunday evening church study.  A book that impacted my life and helped me most outside of Bible reading during this challenging season was Gospel by J.D. Greear.  It reminded me that God's thoughts toward me never change and are rooted in Christ's righteousness and never in my ability to "do" something for Him.

God has been so faithful to us and each day I'm learning how to thank Him, ask for His strength to do the next thing and just cutting back and looking for simplicity until my feelings could catch up with what my head knows to be true about God.  I'm thankful for beautiful Fall weather, pumpkins, and blooming mums after a long hot summer and that God is teaching me many things about who I am in Him through this time.  Hallelujah...all I have is Christ!

My ROCK

Psalm 31: 3 "For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me"

What a whirlwind week...we started the week in full adoption/medication cycle mode and Corey going to school and ended in a shockingly different place for us.  On Monday morning, after a week of struggling with heart issues, weakness and mental distress caused by the hormones I was taking to prepare my body for the transfer of our embryos in just four weeks, we made the painful decision to stop the process when that morning it became clear that my health was at risk.  The physical toll already on my body was very risky and I could not care for my other six children.  So after five months of homestudy, fingerprinting, medical tests and many expenses and preparations and prayers, our adoption of our snowflake babies ended.

By God's grace, our children had already planned a getaway for us in Branson, MO to see Sight and Sound's production of "Joseph" so we had that to look forward to.  We realized that the past few weeks our family was under extreme stress and that we needed some time to think and pray before we did anything else. We talked as a family about how the adoption ending and Mom hopefully returning to a better place physically would help us over time..and the kids agreed we should keep Corey home and not send him to school.  Although the school we were planning on was a wonderful place, we all agreed we wanted him home and all of us recommitted to being there for him (which honestly is a great place for our family to be after many years of all of the kids struggling to some degree to accept Corey and the extra care he requires).  God was good to be with us.

Our older children were wonderful in helping with the younger ones while we spent some time traveling, resting and watching the story of "Joseph"...I can identify with his life so much..sometimes it seems like the plan just ended in your life but God is still God and He knows what He is doing.  Rick and I laughed and cried together and tried to trust the Lord and work toward some new goals for our family.  This has been a heart breaking place for me to be in..to choose to protect myself and our six kids and find a new home for our embryos.  We recognize that this is the end of our adoption road..possibly forever and we have to say that the same faith in God and His plan that gave us courage to walk this road to begin with is the same sustaining faith in His good and perfect plan when things didn't work out the way we had hoped and prayed.

We love God with all our hearts...He is our rock and He knows what He is doing..He saw this coming and He is still at work in our hearts and lives..perhaps using our story to encourage others to consider embryo adoption, perhaps changing all of us in the process and helping us learn more about Him...I don't pretend to know the mystery of why this happened but we do continue to trust Him with our lives and thank Him for giving us courage to walk this path and courage to know when we could no longer walk.

When Love Looks Different

Today I did something that I never thought I'd do and yet with God's strength I did..I enrolled my son Corey in a small Christian school.  I realize this isn't a big deal for most people reading along but for me it's heartbreaking.  It's admitting that right now loving him means letting him go.  I have never bought a lunch box or a nap mat or glue sticks or a backpack and sent my children to school in 17 years of being a parent.  I tried to hold back tears as I wandered through Walmart today trying to figure out how you can have peace about this and yet cry because you are now walking a new road.  Yesterday was our first official day of school and I even took this picture...and by afternoon everything had changed and I was not homeschooling a kindergartener.

Wasn't I supposed to be the one to tuck him in for naptime?  Wasn't I supposed to teach him things and feed him snacks?  Wasn't I the good mom who homeschooled, handled special needs and was adopting again?  Except that being a good mom isn't all those things..it's praying about what is best for your child and your family.  So when God opened up a unique opportunity..a door He could open..we walked through it.  Because of a generous scholarship to pastor's kids and the school opening a full time preschool with a flexible schedule we walked through unfamiliar territory yesterday (may God bless the friend here who is listening to my constant panic sessions..."do I label everything? where do you find lunchboxes just days before school starts? what is a two colored highlighter and why does a preK kid need one?"..poor friend..she might defriend me on facebook soon :)  We decided to put him in preK because he has limited fine motor skills and would love the hands on sensory nature of preschool.  We both walked in and felt peace as we knew things needed to change but had no idea what that would mean as we prayed.

I still cry because I'm slowly letting go of what I wanted my life to be and embracing what it is through God's design.  I'm redefining my selfish, prideful ways of ending this sentence "A good mom..."

FASD is awful...it destroys a child's potential...and I hate it.  I love this child and want the best for him and right now for our family that means giving school a try to see what God does.  It's a scary adventure for all of us...one filled with change.  Love means something different for Corey..it means therapy and respite care so I can be recharged and now it means school.  I'm thankful God is in charge of my life...because it's hard to think I have to manage it all..I don't :)

Why I love the Mouse :)

I know we all have coping mechanisms but as we wait for our next step in our adoption journey (which just happens to be injections of meds instead of immigration paperwork this time around :) I was feeling it again...love of Mickey Mouse.

It started when the "three Koreans" (what they like to call themselves) all wore their Disney tshirts and asked if I'd wear mine.  It was an innocent thing until being stuck inside our house AGAIN in 106 temps (and we don't live in the South and it's been like this for a whole month) made me feel as nutty as being trapped in a snowstorm for weeks on end...and then Cam was doing art and on the back of his paper drew a picture of himself standing in line and meeting the height requirement for the Star Wars ride (this is almost a daily thing to talk about..how he didn't get to ride it and when is he old enough etc etc).  That's when I broke down and called Disney...just to ask questions.

What I found out means AMAZING savings for families at Disney :)  Unlike the Homeschool Days of Disney, there is another better option to save money and it's called Disney Youth.  Families (big or small) can sign their kids up under Individual Enrollment and save hundreds of dollars on Disney admission AND their kids can take unique classes at Disney (one included..any extras are $28 per child).  I went over all the details with a Disney representative today and cannot believe it!  They actually do these programs all throughout the year (Aug, October and Jan/Feb are when many classes are held) and you get a significantly reduced rate for your entire family on multiple day passes.  For example, a normal 7 day hopper is $356/person over 10...through the Disney Youth program you can get it for $199 and it includes one free class at the parks.  Parents are considered chaperones and all family members get this same discounted rate.  Details can be found HERE.  This is so tempting on many levels but for now for our family and all the unknowns, we are all praying toward the possibility again in the future of going to Disney and it gives us something to think and dream and pray about until this heat ends :) :)

Chicken glue and the case of the secret hiding spot

My life is hilariously funny everyday but some days are just more so than others.  Yesterday I felt like I might be running an online and phone counseling hotline with many calls and people who needed help and counsel. I had planned to make a chicken and rice recipe and started my day realizing I was missing several ingredients.  Thankfully I have a teen daughter who LOVES to drive and so I sent her on one of her first missions to the grocery store.  Then it came time to actually put it in the crockpot and I realized that we normally cook it for 3 hrs on high..but I thought ok...I have to be out today for meetings so I'll do 6 hrs on low..BIG mistake.

So Rick arrived home for dinner and I informed him that I had accidentally created a new recipe called "Chicken glue" and we hoped it was edible.  Corey spent the first 5 minutes of dinner arguing with Daddy that it really was chicken glue and NOT chicken and rice because he takes things so literally :)  Then all of a sudden he says sincerely "Cam I'm sorry I broke your lego watch"

Now recently we've noticed Corey is processing things well and so when he makes a statement like that we no longer dismiss it as not true.  So we began to ask questions and realized that none of us had seen Cam's beloved new lego watch in a few hours.  You have to understand that Cam is our baby prince..and he LOVES his new lego watch and has miraculously taught himself how to tell time accurately in less than 2 weeks because of this watch!  So one by one people start disappearing from chicken glue night...and we begin an all out search in the bedroom for this watch.  We find the watch under the dresser but one essential itty bitty part was missing. Seriously if you knew Cam's emotions you would pray too earnestly that God might help you find the part.  Meanwhile in the spirit of keeping things calm, one of us would sit by Corey and just ask nice questions about what he thought happened to the itty bitty yellow and black part.  Then he says "oh I put it in my secret hiding spot"  Patiently we asked what that spot might look like..all the while taking him seriously because he doesn't usually say such things.  Well then Chels realized that the cooling vent near his bed was shut...and that was odd...so they took apart the vent and voila...itty bitty piece found.  We were all laughing hysterically without letting Corey see it lest he think the secret hiding spot is great :)  Who needs cable when all of you can go on a treasure hunt and realize that Corey is getting funnier and crazier in what he does during naptime :)  I love that kid.

Snow day, graduation and birthdays oh my!

We are happy to finally have our babies at the clinic in storage with all legal rights transferred to us!  We have a set date now for the embryo transfer which is September 17th (affectionately known as "snow day" at our house)!!  I begin medicines around August 1st and we are praying for low side effects and strength.  The funniest part right now is when we pray at night with the little ones and Caelyn (age 7) keeps saying with big eyes...pray for our babies..they are in the freezer and have to survive the Fall (she means thaw)!  Then Cam and Corey start asking questions: in the freezer?  Caelyn says yes but they are small like dust.  Cam and Corey: like dust on the ground...and so it goes and Mom reminds them that it's complicated and that we can pray and let God handle the details :)

It seems like life is now arranged around our snow day!  We have begun school for a few kids.  Christian is doing My Father's World this year and loving the switch to Teaching Textbooks (after years of being a Math-U-See family).  Caleb has started Personal Finance, Health and Horticulture and will be doing BJU DVDs for one more year.  Our little ones are doing MFW Adventures and we have completed 4 weeks now in anticipation of taking some breaks this Fall due to snowflake babies :)  The only adjustment I've had to make is to make sure we make a distinct change between subjects...a few weeks ago I asked them "where Jesus lives now?"  And Cam (age 6) said "Jamestown?"

In other news, our princess graduated from high school and is now an official full time college student online at Baptist Bible College with a scholarship that takes care of most of her expenses.   Her ceremony was a blessing to reflect on God's goodness to our family and the many "stones of remembrance" she has in her life to remember His faithfulness.  We were blessed by grandparents being able to fly in and several friends from our years in Ohio.

We had a huge birthday season topped by the very important birthday of Cam who turned 6 on June 30th and talked for a year about his desire for a Star Wars theme party.  He is definitely a little prince at our house and charms everyone with his smile and his love of all things Star Wars.

God has been so good to us and blessed us with a fun-filled June and His strength for all seasons!

There is no God but OUR God

Can you imagine a God so amazing that the only way we see His power on display is often through the very trials we wish had not had happened..but then HE goes and does something that makes you just stand back in awe?  Our son Caleb had a significant baseball injury on Monday evening.  God was there with us..sending friends to help who had a relationship with a local dentist who ran into her office without hesitation to check on the damage.  God allowed us to get an emergency appointment in Indiana the next morning and Caleb was able to have braces put on to hold all 6 of his loose teeth in place.  Although he is disappointed with the lack of eating and the hold on playing baseball for a week..God was with us.  I became a bit teary eyed in the dentist office realizing that "all too familiar"..oh my we are adopting and God knew this would happen but it's going to cost so much..He's always taken care of us..especially while adopting!  The price tag was over $1200 and that's just the beginning as we have followup and no dental insurance.  I felt sad because of my son's pain and wondering why this had happened now..but kept praying.  When Caleb was in pain, he only cried a moment when he realized it would cost us and I kept telling him how important he was to us and to God and how I don't want him to worry about the money..must be how God feels about me when he sees me crying too...I love you and I'm going to take care of it..don't worry....

Today God did something amazing...I don't know who did it..but someone in the community sent us $2000 anonymously in money orders with the letters RAOK on it...random acts of kindness.  I have no idea who did this but I know where all good and perfect gifts come from...God himself.  So I praise Him for showing up in amazing ways that I would have not seen had my son not been injured in a game today.  Thank you God..I'm almost speechless and I love you because you care and are always there and you are more powerful than I can even imagine.

Oh and if that was enough...I just got an email saying my snowflake babies are headed to St Louis on Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The end of a 3 month process of legal and adoption paperwork is completed and they are being transported to our clinic!