My servant leader

(Reading books with Daddy on one of our days home from the hospital)

It's Sunday morning and again my husband Rick heads for church with his heart in multiple places.  In the past seven weeks he's had his heart torn between the church family he loves and his personal family that is struggling but in his own words, he's made the right choice to be where he cannot be replaced..HOME.  In the past few weeks he's looked more like Jesus..humbly serving where no one sees, than anyone I know.  He started this year wanting to focus more on prayer in his own life and God has seen fit to draw our family to our knees in utter dependence on Him for the life of our son Cameron,  Rick has preached while his son was being medflighted to St Louis with my blessing as we knew it's one thing to say you trust God..it's another to declare HE IS GOOD when you are faced with what we did that day.   He stayed with us for days in the hospital knowing that we both were needed to fight for Cam.  We both cried together the night we thought we'd lose him and we prayed.  He has preached after 3 hrs of sleep and long nights in the ER knowing he had my blessing to continue preaching while we left without him for the hospital again.  He trusted God's plans for Easter which is one of the big events on any church's calendar..even when there could be no plans for great dramas or great musicals this year when his heart was torn because our family was separated.  He has been a source of mercy and strength to each of us..continuing his role as Dad (which often includes talking to Corey's stuffed animals or helping talk the kids through different issues they were facing).  He has supported me in new roles as a nurse and kept me focused on just doing whatever I could to keep Cam going and encouraged me to let other things go.  His hugs and listening ear have helped all of us to process really difficult emotions as we've walked through this journey.

Every night for seven weeks Rick has slept near a monitor for Cam, often sleeping on the hard floor of Cam's room so that now his back is in pain often.  He has set his alarm to be there to watch Cam for dangerous air bubbles and back ups of blood in the tubing that would endanger Cam in the night.   He has lovingly gone to answer any calls in the night..every night for many weeks.  When I became ill with a fever there was no question in his mind that he would work from home that day to be there to support me.  I have never felt such love in all my life..such giving over and over again unseen.  He will probably never get his doctorate or write a book but I know God sees and He has great plans for my shepherd husband and for his church family as well through this.

When Rick took the job as senior pastor here God used his love to show me the love of the Father in a way that I had never known.  I learned through Rick that God loves us unconditionally and is for us..not a judge who sees our shortcomings all the times..but who sees us through a righteousness that is not our own..but that of Christ himself.  In marriage the picture is given of Jesus Christ and the church and I can honestly say that I'm married to a man who has looked more and more like Jesus than ever before in this trial because he has laid down his life for his family.  When he graduated from Seminary they gave each of the graduates a towel and told them the importance of being servant-leaders.  Some are called to do this in other places but Rick has been called to do this in his own home.  I pray that others can see and that God may use his example to lead other dads to consider their families' needs and be there for them in this way.

A child's illness can separate a family and a marriage but because Rick has quietly continued to lay down his life for all of us, God has kept us together and strong.  I am honored that he is my husband and my pastor.  I pray for my daughters to have young men who would sacrifice for their future families in this way and that my young men will grow up to be like their Daddy who strives to be like Jesus.  I love you Rick..I can't thank you enough for what you've taught me about God's love being never ending and never dependent on what I could do for Him.  Thank you with all my heart.

The ROCK that I can continually come to

Psalm 71:3 "Be to me a ROCK of refuge to which I may continually come; you have given the command to save me, for you are my ROCK and my fortress"

Just 48 hours after our 3 day hospital stay and PICC line replacement, on Wednesday night at 1am, the alarms sounded on Cam's pump and the line and tubing were filled with blood.  We called home health and our on call nurse at the pump company and after repeated attempts to flush the line but no success we determined the line was again clotting.  Around 2 am Rick made the decision after we spoke with infectious disease doctors in St Louis to go straight to the ER there hoping they could maybe save the PICC line as they had done once before.  At 3 am Cam left me screaming..that was a hard moment to be the one staying instead of going and realize how hard separation is for him.  We all only slept a few hours that evening.  Rick and Cam arrived in St Louis in the early morning hours and thankfully they were able to flush the line, reconnect him to his pump and even change the PICC dressing which had been causing extreme itching for Cam (due to an allergy to the adhesives that he is developing).  They arrived back at 1:30pm and we thanked God for his help as this was the first time things really turned out better than we had hoped!

That afternoon I became increasingly ill with fever and bronchitis symptoms but God provided a warm meal for my family and we had already arranged respite care for Corey.  Corey had also started attending our local Christian school three mornings each week this month til the end of the school year.  We applied for emergency respite funds through our state and were approved this week which was a blessing too as we now have Corey in good hands a few hours each day for this month so that we can continue to focus on getting Cam stronger.

On Thursday night Cam's pump backed up with blood again..only this time I was probably too sick to handle it so Rick woke up Caleb and they both took care of it. Thankfully were able to flush it before any clotting occurred.  Yesterday was still rough as we sought answers for our pump problems and I spent most of the day on the phone.  In the late afternoon they sent a courier directly to our home with a new valve that would hopefully prevent the problems Cam is having (which we believe are due to increased pressure in his heart that works again the interim times between dosing when Cam is still getting medicine but at a lower rate).  Last night..EVERYONE slept!

This week has been a hard one for me..I really feel like I hit a wall in every possible way.  I'm glad God promises to be a ROCK and not only that ..but that we can continually come to Him.  Each night in the night I pray that I will trust Him and know that He is near.  I do find myself asking now at times..how long O Lord..but I know He hears each plea and that He cares and is close to us.

In the past few days I've thanked God for warmer temps, for sunshine, for birds and budding trees that remind us winter will not always last.  I'm thankful for meals that keep coming in George Mueller style..just daily bread...for my kids having a moment to work together to build a square foot garden, for Cam being strong enough to ride his little bike with training wheels, for all of my kids and the ways they pull together and support each other, for Rick and his unending love and devotion to us as a family.  I'm thankful for sleep, for less fever, for cool breezes and ice water.  God is my ROCK..this is hard..crushingly so..but I can continually come and I will..to Him.

Easter Reflections

After 7 hrs in our local ER trying to save Cam's PICC line which had alarmed as high pressure and refused to flush, we transferred to St Louis on Saturday evening before Easter.  Cam and I spent our Easter in a hospital room far from our family.

I wrote this to a friend to describe my thoughts on Easter:

Easter is about Jesus..the power of the cross isn't just for salvation although that would be enough if it were..but it's God's sustaining POWER and the HOPE that you can have knowing He has conquered and there is nothing here that can separate us from his LOVE.  My favorite song through this is I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin (although ultimately not a happy song on earth..because it mentions that death is not the end..and not something I want to contemplate right now..but it truly does cross my mind every day that I might lose Cam).  It's the words: there's a peace I've come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail, there's an anchor for my soul..I can say IT IS WELL...Jesus has overcome..and the grave is overwhelmed..the victory is won..he is RISEN from the DEAD.  I've identified with the power of the cross this year more than ever..I've identified with a Father who watched his child suffer for me..who is not far off nor uncaring but who truly understands my tears and my fears..I've identified with a Savior who kept walking..when he knew what he was facing and I"m in awe and ask Him for that same sustaining power to keep walking a road I wish I was not on.  So maybe that's better than a family picture or a ham dinner or singing He Arose together in church as a family which is our norm.

God answered my prayers for peace even in that hospital room while Cam and I waited for Monday morning to come when he would have surgery again to put in another PICC line.  There were Easter egg hunts and prizes to encourage the kids at the hospital.  Cam opened up a gift from us.. a book I made with Shutterfly to tell him how much God loves him and how HE will help him in the hospital.  There were pictures posted on Facebook by my sweet daughter showing me how they all looked in their matching outfits even though part of our family was not there.  God was with us..giving strength and reminding us as one of my nurses and I talked..about our "core"..the true meaning of Easter.  He sent a few compassionate nurses who helped us get some rest the second night. He sent a friend in St Louis on Easter who willingly brought me some Starbucks to keep me going and her presence made me smile :)  We skyped together on Easter and it was nice to have that connection.  He sent Caelyn and Rick to arrive just as Cam had gone back for sedation on Monday morning and this time Cam's surgery was in a place where they could give him "happy meds" before it which made for a delightful Cam instead of me watching him scream and go limp as previous procedures had been. God gave us peace as we met with the heart surgeon who sat on the end of Cam's bed and explained the procedure for the open heart surgery and we knew we were in the right place.  God is good...Easter is about suffering and YET hope.  Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.